Alan Gallauresi
ACT 2: PUSHBACK
INT./EXT. MALL – DAY
At the mall, trying various scents. Javier is restless and wants to continue feeling positive; Cher is scared and insists they smell bad, trying various things. Cher takes back smelling to keep track of how they smell. They argue and tension builds.
Sounds of mall; foot traffic, food court, receipt printing; etc. Various types of buzzing/droning happen as they walk.
JAVIER
You’re doing great. You just have to get used to the idea of being scared all the time – trust me, it’s not that bad. Well, it’s horrible and debilitating but… like I said… you get used to it.
CHER
I’m not scared, I’m sick. I’ve got the flu. I need to rest.
JAVIER
Stop faking.
CHER
I’m not faking — YOU used to get sick all the time, remember? Go ahead, WHY DON’T YOU tell me I’m just depressed and not really sick… I feel sick, and that’s what matters… Wait, what’s that?
Drone whine.
JAVIER
Relax. It’s just some kind of toy quadcopter thing over at that kiosk.
CHER
(relieved)
Okay, good. WAIT – what’s that?
Buzzing noise.
JAVIER
Electric razor, there’s a Hair Cuttery right over there.
CHER
(relieved)
Alright – WAIT WHAT’S THAT!?
Vibrator.
2.
JAVIER
(quickly)
Spencer’s Gifts – look, you gotta calm down.
CHER
This is a bad idea. I don’t want to be here.
JAVIER
(chuckle, grunt)
Huh, you sound like me. I get it — you’re nervous. But you’re also being paranoid.
CHER
It’s not paranoia if you’re actually being hunted down by murderbots. Why would you take us to a place so crowded and noisy?
JAVIER
Because, one: this mall is completely enclosed and bee-size flying robots are NOT commonly found here. Because, two: you’re the one who wanted to buy a bunch of smell cover-ups.
CHER
With PRIME, Javier! By asking Godfrey, the bodyless smart home AI voice to make the purchase, while sitting in the cozy safety of your apartment, streaming The Warburton-less Tick reboot and virtually borrowing books from a fake library, and — AND — giving .5% of our purchases to Smile, a charity that helps… uh, humans that frown… what do you have against helping humans smile, Javier?
JAVIER
You said yourself we need to sample scents to find the right combination of odor isolating fragrances. And three: I came prepared.
Sound of paper bag opening and fly swatter swatting.
3.
CHER
This is SERIOUS. Your overconfidence is misplaced; you take down one murderbot and suddenly you’re…
JAVIER
[The Sultan of Swat]
CHER
[Luke Flyswatter]… Look how out sync we are… this would be a TERRIBLE time to run into an adversary.
JAVIER
Then give us a little JUICE to help you out.
CHER
You’re getting low on the necessary organic chemicals since the incident, I can’t waste them.
JAVIER
Another reason to be out and generating them, then. You just need to take your mind off of things. Tell me something about your world. You… You kept referring to Jar as “they”. Do both your species not have sexes and genders?
CHER
Well, that is a complicated subject. Our bearers have in time become largely dependent on the spirit biote species to provide genetic material which we biotes internally manufacture to be compatible with the host’s biological needs. On my planet, the biote’s chromosomes are passed onto the bearers, who generally have donor, receiver, or intersex organs which still function to also allow non-biote based reproduction, though in all cases fertilized gametes are transferred to a external cocoon-like environment to grow to maturity. Some bearers consider themselves to be non-gendered, others as non-binary, and still others who identify strongly with one of several genders. Now, we biotes typically reproduce asexually via budding — you know what, I appreciate you asking, but this is bit too complex of a topic to cover while hiding from killer drone monsters in the crowd outside a Jamba Juice.
4.
JAVIER
Hold on, go back to that “internally manufacture” thing. You say that like it’s… planned?
CHER
Look, a Lord and Taylor! OH, we’re saved!
Cheery female peanuts voice. Then spritzing noises.
CHER
YES! Please, affirmative, ETCETERA, spritz merchant! Flood me in your overpowering bouquet! More… More… MORE…
JAVIER
Ok, Cher — this is the fifth cologne fog we’ve walked through. There’s no way we smell anything like pine needles anymore.
CHER
(growing irritation)
Fool! Our musk is as powerful as ever. I can’t trust you with this sniffer at all, I’m TAKING IT BACK!
JAVIER
FINE! I’m sick of exuding odors like I’m a planet-sized Sephora that imploded into a pulsar and ejects superdense Kimoji Vibes into space every few seconds. At least I won’t have to smell us anymore!
5.
CHER
YOUR UNDERSTANDING of cosmic singularities and the scent profile of the KKW Fragrance line is INFANTILE!
JAVIER
Enough, Cher! If you want to be a brat, then be a brat. We’re headed to the REI to get some toxic-strength insect repellent and then that’s it!
CHER
But you said we’d go on the food court trolley! It’s the only reason I agreed to this ill-advised excursion!
JAVIER
The trolley is ONLY for good kids, Cher!
INT. JAVIER’S APT – MIDDLE OF NIGHT
Javier wakes up to Cher binging on pizza and wasting time on the internet. His best solution is to stop eating the pine needles and hide indoors.
JAVIER
(waking up, groggily)
What… what is going on?
CHER
Shh, shh. Go back to bed.
JAVIER
Why… why are my hands so greasy?
CHER
I ordered pizza from Pizza Citadel. It’s UH-MAZING. And these garlic knots…
(eating)
They’re like food puzzle and the reward is MORE garlic knots.
Sound of pings and beeps from a Twitch chat or videogame streamer commentary in background.
JAVIER
When… when did you do that? It’s the middle of the night and I was asleep!
6.
CHER
I was hungry, Bearer. I took some initiative.
JAVIER
You were supposed to be researching a solution to our murderbot problem! Instead you’re watching… what is this?
CHER
It’s a Twitch stream of a YouTube live broadcast of a guy playing PubG dressed as a Fortnite character. There’s a lot of LAYERS of social commentary.
JAVIER
What? I… Why don’t you just watch the YouTube stream?
CHER
I gotta have my pogchamps, Javi.
(chuckling)
Watch the YouTube stream, sure, I’ll do that next time… kappa…
JAVIER
Well turn it down, alright?
Pause, then sound of pizza cardboard.
JAVIER
Wait… DID YOU EAT FIVE BOXES OF PIZZA!?
CHER
Yes, but I only ate two. The other three are destined for long-term salt preservation in case we have to wait this out for a… few months at the mm… ah mum.
JAVIER
Maximum?
CHER
Mm… ah mum.
7.
JAVIER
Look, Cher — this has got to end. We’ve been holed up in here for almost two weeks and gotten NOWHERE. You’re not any closer to solving where the murderbots have come from or how to fight them.
CHER
Well, it’s not that simple, ok? They’re not out there writing Medium articles on their secret weaknesses, are they?
JAVIER
We’re laying in bed all day. We’re ordering in every meal and eating too much that we have to take a nap again. We’re avoiding any possible contact with the outside world.
CHER
It’s the SMART thing to do.
JAVIER
It’s depression, Cher! It’s a deep dark hole of depression and we’re wallowing in it. We’re not exercising or trying to eat healthier, we’re not having any fun, we’re barely even talking — which is pretty hard to do when your roommate is literally invading ALL of your personal space. We’re not doing any of the things you promised. We’re not doing ANYTHING, Cher! And I don’t want to live like that any more. I’ve felt what it’s like to be able to push that aside, even just a little… and I’m not going back.
Sounds of haptic feedback from typing.
CHER
Okay, I think we can resolve this. It seems mostly like a low blood-sugar issue — I’m just going to Postmates up some Green Tea Kit-Kit bars over-nighted from Japan and….
8.
JAVIER
And that’s another thing. We’ve completely run through our gambling winnings with all this delivery service, and I’m on my last dime. I don’t think I even have enough for next month’s rent. So, tomorrow, I’m going to…
(deep breath)
Go to Personeum and pick up my last check.
CHER
(rude chuckle)
The place where you have a panic attack every time you walk through the doors? Good luck.
JAVIER
Good luck?
CHER
Well, you don’t really expect me to help you put our lives in danger, do you?
JAVIER
I… are you really that stubborn… or, is it scared ?
CHER
Are you really that reckless?
JAVIER
Reckless? I’m being logical. What we’re doing right now is not helping. And if I don’t get some money, we’re going to be out on our asses in the street, with big “will be murderbotted for food” signs. You know what, I take it back — you’re not stubborn. You’re a COWARD.
(pause)
What? No comeback? No well-thought-out rationale for sleeping away two weeks straight?
No response.
JAVIER
Okay, I see what this is. Well, two can play that game. It’s back to sleep, and you won’t get a peep out of me, either.
9.
Very long pause.
JAVIER
And for the record, ham and pineapple pizza is gross, but pineapple WITHOUT the ham is a war crime against the universe, ok? Look it up. The galactic code of not ruining things that are amazing, or something, probably.
Very long pause.
CHER
(mumbling)
That’s not a real law.
JAVIER
SHUT IT, CHER!
10.
AD – DENTIST DODGERS
HI FOLKS, THIS IS ALAN/ROB FROM …THIS PODCAST, THE OTHER PODCAST, YOU KNOW THE DRILL. AND SPEAKING OF DRILLS… HE SAYS, SEGUEING MARVELOUSLY INTO THE AD COPY… IF YOU’RE LIKE ME, YOU HATE GOING TO THE DENTIST. STUDIES SHOW THAT 70% OF ADULTS RATE GOING TO THE DENTIST AS THEIR LEAST FAVORITE HEALTH CHECK UP AND A FULL 43% ADMIT TO POSTPONING REGULAR CHECK UPS TO AVOID THE DENTIST CHAIR – ALTHOUGH I HAVE TO SAY, THAT MIGHT BE WORDED SLIGHTLY WRONG, I DON’T THINK IT’S THE ACTUAL CHAIR THAT PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF USUALLY. THAT’S WHERE DENTIST DODGERS COMES IN. DENTIST DODGERS IS A SAFE AND STREAMLINED SERVICE WHERE YOU CAN GET REAL DENTAL CHECK UPS FROM THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME USING YOUR SMARTPHONE. DENTIST DODGERS OFFERS LIVE ONE ON ONE CONSULTATIONS WITH REAL DENTISTS WHO WILL WALK YOU STEP BY STEP THROUGH THE PROCESS OF USING THE DENTIST DODGERS APP AND OUR PATENTED BLUETOOTH ORAL INSPECTION DEVICE WHICH STREAMS IMPORTANT HEALTH DATA AND PROVIDES YOU WITH A FULL DENTAL DIAGNOSTIC CHECK. DIAGNOSTICS? IT’S LIKE CHKDSK FOR YOUR MOUTH, THAT’S FOR THE PC DENTIST HATERS, MAYBE I’LL THROW ONE IN FOR MAC OS USERS LATER… PROBABLY GOING TO SKIP THE CHROMEBOOK PEOPLE, I DON’T KNOW THEY CAN AFFORD DENTIST CARE. WAIT, WHAT AM I SAYING, EVERYBODY CAN AFFORD DENTIST DODGERS! IT’S QUICK, IT’S PAINLESS,AND YOU DON’T NEED INSURANCE. TO SIGN UP AND RECEIVE YOUR FREE DENTIST DODGERS BLUETOOTH ORAL INSPECTION DEVICE OR BOID AS THE MARKETING COPY FAILS TO SHORTEN SO I’VE JUST REGISTERED A TRADEMARK FOR THEM ON THAT, WE’RE A FULL SERVICE PODCAST HERE AT PARASITECOLOGY, UH, SIGN UP AT OHTHEHUMANITY.COM/DODGE… IT’S COMPATIBLE WITH APPLE, ANDROID AND PERSONEUM SMART PHONES, INCLUDING THE JUST RELEASED FLAGSHIP PERSONEUM XR AND XRS PHONES. THE ORAL INSPECTION DEVICE IS EXTREMELY INTUITIVE TO USE, THEY SENT ME ONE AND YOU JUST PAIR YOUR PHONE WITH THE DEVICE, PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH FOR A FEW SECONDS, LET IT DO ITS THING AND YOU’RE DONE. SPEAKING AS SOMEONE WHO ACTIVELY AVOIDS THE DENTIST, IT’S REALLY A GREAT SERVICE. DENTIST DODGERS, THE NEW WAY TO ORAL.. HEALTH. HMM. I’M GOING TO READ THAT SENTENCE ONE MORE TIME, JUST A LITTLE MORE QUICKLY. DENTIST DODGERS, THE NEW WAY TO ORAL HEALTH.
Lovelies, I want to get you back into the show, but first I want you to do one thing for us: give us a review on iTunes. I thought we already talked about this, but I’m looking back through your browser history, and I don’t think searching for winter hats with a hole for ponytails counts. I don’t want to make you feel guilty, but, ashamed, sure. Do that one thing: leave us a review!
Thanks and back to the show.
11.
ACT 3: DIVIDED
INT./EXT. PERSONEUM CAMPUS
Javier goes to meet over last check and staying on while Cher refuses to help and partially shuts him down. Javier says, remember what you told me — “you’re not being rational — your emotions are controlling you” Board meeting goes by… Cher lets Javier know about human genetics and that the board smells like pinesol.
JAVIER
Okay, Javier, you can do this. It’s one short social interaction with your old boss, she’ll hand you a check and that’s it. You’re out. Everyone will be very friendly and probably persistent about asking you to stay on but you’ll be firm but polite without letting them know you would do anything to avoid another day of this hellhole, and I mean anything, obviously. Including slathering my body with a combination of Deep Woods Off with extra DEET and non-stick PAM spray. AND babysitting a malignant PARA… no, I’m better than that… SYMBIOTE who is stealing half of my senses and won’t even TALK to me… okay, stay on target. Time to dig out the old door badge and get this over with.
Beep sound and door opening. Light lobby music playing.
JAVIER
Oh no, a lot of emotional response going on here, Cher. I could really use a little of that old
(click click noise.)
CHER
Hrmph.
JAVIER
Well, I think it’s obvious I’m going to need my vocal chords back.
CHER
Fiiiiine.
JAVIER
Thank you. Ok, polite but authoritative nod at the receptionist so…
Peanuts male voice.
12.
JAVIER
(to voice)
Hey, uh, how’s it going. Thank god it’s Friday, right?
(aside)
Damn it, Cher, I can’t understand what the hell people are saying. You could at least translate!
No response.
JAVIER
Oh, that’s just fantastic. I’m already panicking and you want to add the social pressure of not understanding anything I hear. Great. I’m going to have to avoid seeing anyone at all on a 3000 person campus. I’d better go through the moonshot division wing, maybe I can avoid bumping into anyone I know. Jeez, how do I get through this way to Jibbrrr again? Right, Hallway F, past the self-driving car division. Wait, big crowd coming.
(aloud)
Hey, how’s it going. Thank god it’s Friday, right?
Many short mumbled peanuts.
CHER
(after pause)
They made fun of you.
Sounds of: keyboard clacking; then steady beeping and balloon deflate noise; short 1 second viral video clips (Lysanderoth); whining noise of that robot dog and robotic woof, then one very loud and one very quiet woof.
JAVIER
HEY. You’re not talking, remember? Okay, let’s see… cloud computing division… giant balloon satellite division… smart home hub AI Godfrey division… social platform with only 2.75 second video clips division… robotic dog division… giant robotic dog division… nanite robotic dog division slash tinnitus treatment clinic…
(hearing tinnitus sound and irritated)
Oh no, it’s flaring up again…
13.
Perkpods division… what the heck is an Air BNP customer support division? AIR… B… N… P…
Swipe and haptic clacking as Javier checks his phone. Sound of many muted flushing.
JAVIER
(reading)
“AirBNP is a web 3.0 service that provides very short-term rentals, matching private home bathrooms to people who gotta go when they’re out on the go.”
Quite short male Peanuts.
JAVIER
Just looking, sorry. We do some crazy stuff here, huh? Thank god it’s Friday.
(aside)
Okay, Cher, come on. This isn’t funny.
No response.
JAVIER
At least we’re getting close, there’s the self-driving car… SHIT, that’s the freaking CEO and the whole executive team. Holy crap, Huggy Jeff is with them! Okay, head down, just walk on past, Huggy Jeff won’t recognize you… walk on past. Walk. On. Past.
(big sigh)
Jibbrrr. We made it. Well, I made it. No thanks to you, Cher.
(realization)
Huh, I did make it… alone. I can do this. Okay! Here we go.
Knock on door. Female peanuts.
JAVIER
Hi, Alicia. How are you doing? Thank god it’s Friday, right? Uh, is that my check?
Short female peanuts.
14.
JAVIER
Thanks… yeah, if I could just grab it…
Slightly longer female peanuts.
JAVIER
Umm, well before you say anything, uh, more, Alicia…
(aside)
Okay, I can do this.
(to woman)
I appreciate the opportunity to work at Jibbrrr and Personeum at large. You’ve always been very kind and I appreciate that. And the work’s… challenging, which can be a good thing. But I should…
I should really say that I never liked working here. And I know you’re going to ask me to stay on instead of quitting…
(suddenly very muffled)
[and my answer is no.]
CHER
[And my answer is absolutely YES!] I was just joking around, this is a great place to work.
JAVIER
(muffled)
No, I said no.
(aside, normal voice)
Cher! What are you doing?
CHER
So, if you’ll have me — see you on Monday?
Affirmative female Peanuts.
CHER
Great, see you then!
Closing door.
JAVIER
(furious)
WHAT did you just do? I finally get up the nerve to stand up for myself and you sign me up for another tour at this life-draining place?
15.
CHER
Bearer… remember how I have your sense of smell?
JAVIER
Like my sense of hearing? Yeah, I know!
CHER
Well, what you don’t know is that I was actually paying attention when we walked by your company’s executive board. And they stunk like a pine forest doused in…
JAVIER
Flat mellow yellow, mixed with melted ice and left overnight in a car in August?
CHER
Exactly! Possibly. Flat mellow yellow, mixed with melted ice and left overnight in a car in August!
JAVIER
You’re telling me the people in charge of the largest tech company in the world are hosts for symbiotes?
CHER
Symbiotes? Javier, those things are bearingfucking PARASITES!
OUTRO