Alan Gallauresi
ACT 1: THE PLAN
EXT. CITY STREETS
The pair argue over events and Cher them to a strip club before revealing the secret of how human hosts were taken from Earth.
Night crowd and cars. Walking.
JAVIER
I can’t believe you hung me out to dry like that! We’re supposed to be partners!
CHER
Now who’s being irrational? You really think that would have been a smart time to quit? Right when we just found tangible evidence, well – smellable evidence – that your company is under the control of human hosts illegally inhabited by spirits from my planet?
JAVIER
… human hosts illegally inhabited by spirits from your planet, like me…
CHER
Like you, and… NOW THAT’S a very DIFFERENT situation and you know it!
JAVIER
Do I know it? What’s to say those spirits aren’t political refugees like yourself? Or, I don’t know, just some symbiotic kids out on a cosmic rumspringa?
CHER
Impossible; first — I’m rather unique as far as my people go. And as I told you before, pre-enlightened worlds are off-limits. Not to mention the penalties for my species being found on this world in particular are extremely grave.
JAVIER
Why this world in particular?
2.
CHER
It’s a long story, one for a private location, and anyway — I’m starving; we’re all out of the Wintergreen pocket mints.
JAVIER
Those were Tums. Anxiety gives me heartburn.
CHER
And hunger gives me an urge to eat delicious Wintergreen Tums mints, which decidedly live up to their reputation as non-pareils.
JAVIER
Look, they’re not non-pareil mints. And their jingle is literally “TUMS TA TUM TUM TUMMMMS” which is meant to represent the looming explosion of your half-digested dinner either one way or the other.
CHER
Oh, dinner — STOP, you’re making me hungrier. Let’s find a place quick, before we attract attention. There’s no doubt that your company executives must be controlling the murderbots. With bearers that stink that much, they’d be dead in minutes if they weren’t the ones BEHIND the attacks.
Pace of walking increases. Pause before dialogue continues.
JAVIER
This is creepy… Personeum has its hand in so many technologies, we could probably be tracked anywhere — especially out on the streets. Cell phone towers, internet-connected security cameras with face recognition.
CHER
You think they know what we look like? Mmm — we should put on your sunglasses.
JAVIER
What? No. It’s dark out.
3.
CHER
Oh, yes, it’s dark and I suppose just because you can’t perceive it, that the sky isn’t totally flooded with UV rays bouncing about and destroying your corneas at all times, plus why don’t we make it as easy possible for an evil corporation to hunt us down?
JAVIER
(hrumphing)
Man, I don’t like this. It’s like the entire world is filled genetic duplicants of The Edge looking at me disdainfully like I’m Bono at the UN.
CHER
Wait — HERE. Yes, I know of this place. Excellent choice. Let’s go in.
JAVIER
“The Crystal Palace”? I’ve never heard of this place, how do you know about it?
CHER
I don’t know, Bearer. Probably Yelp or Angie’s List or… some kind of rating service… Bumble? No, Happn, maybe? One where I had to fill out a LOT of biographical information. Anyway, it’s supposed to be very good. Like a dinner club. Beverages, rhythmic music, all you can eat hot-dog buffet, ETCETERA.
(aside)
Yes, door keeper – here you are! The identification which identifies my identity, and the requisite fee for the admitted.
Door swings open and bad rock starts playing. Some audience wooing, etc.
JAVIER
Cher, this is a STRIP CLUB!
CHER
Yes, that’s what I said.
4.
JAVIER
You said dinner club!
CHER
Yes, it includes dinner.
JAVIER
And nude dancers!
CHER
Is that unusual for humans? Frankly I didn’t realize it was a point of note, like saying: yes, this establishment has chairs and a breathable atmosphere. Well, at any rate, where else could we go where it’s not unusual for a single male human in dark glasses to sit alone and argue with himself while eating from an all-night all-you-can-eat buffet?
JAVIER
Uh: an all-night all-you-can-eat-buffet!
CHER
Listen Javier, I’ve looked through a lot of your cultural entertainment memories, various forms of human cinema and Showtime-like pay channels, and this sort of establishment is considered IDEAL for passing sensitive information between parties, or plotting illegal activities such as penetrating the security of a multinational conglomerate.
JAVIER
Yeah, so is a dimly lit underground parking garage, but we’re not hanging out there!
CHER
Do these “garages” have hot-dog buffets?
JAVIER
No, but they’re probably more sanitary. And it’s a GARAGE, not a Taylor Swift concert — you can just buy a hot dog and bring it with you to the garage, nobody is going to frisk you, it’s a GARAGE.
5.
CHER
“A” hot dog? Do you really think the point of a hot dog buffet is to have “A” hot dog?
JAVIER
Cher, I honestly cannot believe we are arguing about this right now.
CHER
Fine, if it bothers you so much, we’ll have “A” hot dog and then straight to the garage.
JAVIER
Or my apartment, where we have complete PRIVACY.
CHER
Well that’s a pretty good idea, I think you should have mentioned that outside. Anyway, can we sit? Your back is killing me.
JAVIER
Hrhmph. Okay, back in that booth, as far from the wobbling as we can get.
CHER
Okay, but that seems far from what is termed the “VIP” room, and I’m anxious to know what sort of buffet they have in there.
JAVIER
SIT, now. Get talking.
Sound of booth sitting.
CHER
Right, to business. I… I feel like I should pass you a large envelope made of manila hemp. You don’t think they sell “manila” envelopes, do you?
6.
JAVIER
NO ENVELOPES.
CHER
Ok, alright, uh… where to start, where to start… okay, first, I think I owe you an [apology]
JAVIER
[Apology]?
CHER
Yes. When we first agreed to this “trial”, which I think we can both agree is a huge success: well beyond initial projections, just really, unnngh, hitting it out of the stratosphere… uhh… I promised you that it would be “I help you, you help me, we help each other.” And earlier I… mmm, forgot that promise and I want to say I’m very sorry, and from now on I will only make choices in YOUR best interest. And no… no, I can see you starting up and DON’T say it, because you also very much enjoy hot-dogs, so this is a mutually beneficial choice of venue.
JAVIER
Well, that was astonishingly close to a real apology, so — in the interest of intergalactic relations, I’m going to accept. But don’t — DON’T pull that disappearing act on me again, understood?
CHER
Understood, my friend.
JAVIER
Okay, if we’re done with the mushy stuff, can we get back to doing something about the secret group of evil aliens infecting one of the biggest companies in the world? And that’s just what we currently know — it could go all the way to Apple, or… Yum! Brands, or… you know, that would definitely help explain Comcast… how far does it go, and what are they up to?
7.
Music changing to generic rap.
CHER
Impossible to say, though if they are indeed part of the Cabal of Violence on my planet, as seems almost certain, they have one goal only: power. Complete and unyielding power. Power upon power, on a scale…
JAVIER
Yeah, powerful power, got it. Cher, I don’t see why you’re so sure this has something to do with your “Cabal of Violence”.
CHER
Remember how I said before that this world SPECIFICALLY was off-limits to my people?
JAVIER
Yeah, and then you avoided the subject.
CHER
And I’m just about to discuss it in detail while providing firm justification for my reasoning. I just need to make sure we’re on the same page; that we’re a synchronized team with a combined goal of rooting out this conspiracy and exposing its evil for the world to see!
JAVIER
(short pause)
That’s a soft YES.
CHER
A soft yes… I’ll take it, yes, I’ll take it: I’ll put in my back pocket and I’ll pat it every once in a while to make sure it hasn’t gone anywhere. Well, back to the off-limits thing… it’s a funny story, Javier, and I think when I get done with it we’re all going to see the humor in the situation. Let me just set the scene… it was ten thousand years ago when man was little more than an erect primate hitting rocks together in the jungle…
8.
Jungle/insects atmosphere plays with strip club music continuing.
CHER
With a bit less Ginuwine-esque grind hop playing…
Rap fades.
JAVIER
We’re doing this again?
CHER
You’re really a bit of a theatrical Philistine.
JAVIER
I don’t think they show up for another 8000 years or so, actually.
CHER
Hush, I’m narrating. A cloudless night with the stars seeming but a hairy and uncoordinated arms reach away. Suddenly the sky cracks in two, and a glorious sight is beheld!
Whooshing whir of a spaceship descending then landing.
JAVIER
Yep. Looks like a spaceship.
CHER
(coughing)
Ahem. That’s not quite your line, early man.
JAVIER
Let’s see… OH, HELL NO. I’m not doing a bunch of stereotyped caveman grunts!
9.
CHER
It’s actually quite a refined language, there’s a lot of meaning that can be packed into various inflections of “ookgh”, “orgh”, ETCETERA.
JAVIER
Forget it, germ. You want to recast with Tim Allen, be my guest.
CHER
Well, that’s uncalled for. I suppose I’ll just have to do this as a one-being show, plays to my performative strengths anyway…
(narrating)
A voice from the heavens speaks as humans gather from afar to view the wondrous sight. “People of Earth-261, we have observed you from afar and come to you as friends. Today, the spirits of Earth, aka Planet One, share with you a great gift! Gather close and be enlightened!”
Shimmering noise increasing in loudness.
JAVIER
Whew, that’s bright, can you turn down the HDR on this visionquest a bit? I guess these sunglasses don’t do anything for mental hallucinations.
CHER
Really, Javier, I’m trying to put on a performance here, I’m not looking for stage direction.
(narrating again)
And thus were the primal humans given a great gift that night, as the spirits sailed away to the stars, leaving behind…
Also sprach zarathustra opening.
JAVIER
A big black monolith, are you fucking kidding me? You’re trying to tell me your species came here 10,000 years ago and left behind a 2001 Space Odyssey monolith that propelled man forward intellectually to where we are today? That’s your great GIFT?
10.
CHER
What? No. That thing? That’s a spent fuel pod. No, the GIFT was that a whole bunch of you guys got to come back to our planet and… umm… become a new host species because… our original ones all died off in a plague. And then the Galactic Confederation heard about it and kind of… banned us from this planet, which uhh… might also…
(very quickly)
have been related to our program of selectively breeding the ones we brought back for ah, I’m not sure if meekness is the EXACT genetic marker but, ahh… Well suffice it to say that a cabal looking to consolidate its power might be very interested in a planet of 7.5 billion hosts with a more, umm, let’s say excitable temperament. But —
(snapping)
yes, getting back to your original point, which is WELL TAKEN, YES, I think you could give us quite a lot of credit for inspiring the human race of Earth-261 to the heights of civilization and intellectual curiosity that you have climbed to the summit of…
Jungle/insect background fades and NSFW rap song (STFU by Jam Studio 30 sec version or full track start at 50 sec and cut off after swagger part) and men cheering rise.
11.
INTERSTITIAL – THANKS
HI FOLKS, THIS IS ALAN/ROB FROM PARASITECOLOGY AND OTHER FINE INTERRUPTED TALES PODCASTS SUCH AS INTERRUPTED TALES.
We want to thank you for listening and hopefully you’re enjoying the show. If not, keep listening, there’s a button scene at the end for the next Marvel movie, and let’s just say… I was NOT expecting Mark Paul Gosselaar as Korvac the Machine Man, but it works.
This week, let’s not talk, let’s just be comfortable in who we are. Nah, it’s not working for me. Let me throw out a few favorite podcasts we think you should be listening to. Besotted Geek, where a funny couple offers nerdy news and reviews bolstered by custom cocktails; 33% pulp where Linzi, Daniel and a guest each review 1/3 of a pulp novel and then recap the whole thing with witty commentary; and the Epic Film Guys who do in-depth film discussions with a heap of comedy… and they are also responsible for the Livestream for the Cure where a bunch of podcasters show up to raise money for cancer research. So, fuck cancer; fuck suicide; and LOVE all those podcasters we just mentioned by subscribing to them.
Pumpkins, I do want to get you back into the show, but first I want you to do one thing for us: send us some feedback on Twitter @parasitecology. Tell us what you like, then tell us what you don’t like, but then tell us another thing that you do like so we feel good at the end. Seriously though, hearing from you is awesome, especially if you send us messages about what you think we look like and then get freaked out if you see a picture of us and think “that’s not how I pictured them at all.” That one thing: send us some feedback on Twitter @parasitecology.
Thanks and back to the show.
12.
ACT 2: THE DIRT
INT. PERSONEUM OFFICE
Javier investigates while Cher is bored and has little to contribute.
Sounds of typing and computer hums. Peanuts voice.
JAVIER
Yeah, nice to be back, thanks. Except for the case of the mondays, right? Gotta get back to the grind. Yeah, talk to you later.
Typing continues.
JAVIER
(mumbling to himself)
Okay, now the data layer is locked and obfuscated but I’m pretty sure the business layer has a back door for us to test against real data… No, looks like that got patched out, I’m going to have go back and compile an older revision and hope the data calls haven’t changed too much. Hold on.
CHER
Of course, yes! No problem at all.
JAVIER
Git reset soft… um, 0c3a…
CHER
(quietly whistling)
JAVIER
CHER, please. I’m working, and I’m already anxious enough just being here, much less digging into things I’m not supposed to.
CHER
No, yes, of course. You’re doing that THING with the, uh…
JAVIER
(mind elsewhere while typing)
Going through the source code of the Jibbrrr app, looking for a way to review encrypted messages sent between the management team.
13.
CHER
No, it’s a very good plan, and one that basically needs no input from me, so I’ll just…
JAVIER
Thank you. This is taking forever to recompile.
Phone buzzing.
CHER
Who is it? Is it Vance?
JAVIER
Why would it be Vance? He sits like three desks down. No, it’s my sister, Mia. I’ll check it later.
(pause)
Recompile is still going, I guess.
Pause.
CHER
(singing to self quietly)
Coming through your speaker, we got that paper, we got that swagger…
JAVIER
CHER!
CHER
Sorry, sorry.
JAVIER
Okay, attach the debugger and breakpoint on the authentication step and change a few flags…
CHER
(singing to self quietly)
We got that, we got that, we got that swagger…
JAVIER
CHER! I am TRYING to work and I’m doing very complicated real-life hacking, not some Swordfish CSI hand-wavey bullshit.
14.
CHER
No, no, I understand, although it seems like if you have source code access it really doesn’t fall under the realm of hacking… but computers are new to me so I’ll leave it to an expert.
JAVIER
(sarcastically)
Oh no! PLEASE, offer me the great gift of your wisdom, lord of the stars, for we humans would still be but apes if you had not had the generosity to come here looking for new flesh bicycles to steal.
CHER
See, now I knew that you’d have trouble getting past that, that’s why I didn’t bring it up. How about I throw in a little oxytocin kick and we chat about it some more.
JAVIER
Hold on, I just need to type in this important command multiple times.
Sound of two keys and space being hit repeatedly.
CHER
(getting slower at end and throaty oh)
Fuh fuh fuh fuh fuh fuh fuh… fuh. OH.
JAVIER
And… okay, I’ve got access to their group messages. Hmm… not really sure it looks like anything nefarious going on. I see a lot of communication about ensuring the success of the alpha-track program, and… some kind of hard shift into start-ups, pulling money from Internet services and putting it into… FlashBite, SloshAndNosh, DentistDodgers… they all seem connected somehow. And here… they seem to be hung up on going viral like in the BettyBomb challenge. I don’t understand.
15.
CHER
That’s it?
JAVIER
Well, I’ve got more messages to go through, but this is all there is on the company-wide servers. They do have a private database shard just for the board, but it’ll take some time to access it.
CHER
Okay, well I guess I’ll just wait patiently until… oh what do you know, it’s lunch time!
JAVIER
It’s 10:48 am.
CHER
And I’m starving, this “script hackery” and talk of bits and bytes has got me rather peckish.
JAVIER
Why are you so hungry?
CHER
I may be… partaking in some of your endocannabinoids to reduce the overall sensation of fear that comes from being hunted continuously. It has the side effect of giving us…
JAVIER
The endo-munchies?
CHER
Don’t be crass. This is clinical organic chemistry, not a review channel about the quirky “vibe” differences between…
JAVIER
Strawberry kush explosion.
CHER
And…
JAVIER
Sour diesel shotgun.
16.
CHER
From a gentleman with the username of…
JAVIER
Uhh… VapeThisBro-420-360-24-7-69. Listen, we’ll go in a little bit, Cher.
CHER
Sure, yes, of course.
(mumble singing)
Hard like you never seen, bow down to the queen, like my money dirty and you know i always got that green.
JAVIER
Screw it, let’s go to the [cafeteria].
CHER
[Cafeteria]! And hey — don’t worry if we don’t find anything right away, for all we know it could take up, say, two weeks until we find out something interesting… we’ll just keep our minds STEADY on the very crucial task before us…
Significant pause.
JAVIER
Just do it.
CHER
WE GOT THAT SWAGGER, WE GOT THAT. WE GOT THAT. WE GOT THAT SWAGGER!
17.
OUTRO PART 1