Parasitecology S01E03 “I Found Someone” Transcript

Little circles.

Little circles?

Ouch, that’s my chin. Let’s try littler circles, ok? I can’t believe you’ve never brushed your teeth, that’s completely disgusting. How do the… host things you inhabit… keep their teeth from falling out?

Firth, theyr called brearers nd thyve ighly inthellignt

Spit.

No, spit, don’t swallow the toothpaste! Gross.

Well, I can’t help it bearer, we haven’t eaten in days and this stripe-d gel is quite picquant. And secondly, our bearers don’t keep their teeth from falling out, they continuously replace them like any resilient species. Now, regarding bathroom edibles, would you say this beverage is equally

palatable?

Put down the Listerine.

Listen, Cher… I get it – we’re both starving. I’m sorry I didn’t stock up my fridge before you came, I guess there’s something about planning to kill yourself that makes long term grocery stocking seem a little less important. And no, for the last time, I don’t consider a bottle of squeeze mayo a delicious concentrated energy paste.

It says “Best Foods” right on the label, what higher seal of approval for human consumption could there be?

I know you’re new to this world, but that’s actually just rebranded Hellmann’s, it’s got the same blue ribbon and everything… you know what, skip it. I’ve just got to get used to the idea that I’m going to suddenly have insane food cravings… oh, God.

What?

I’m pregnant. I’m basically pregnant. I’ve got a little life-form inside me, sucking on my life juices, trying to convince me that I should eat a peanut butter and pickle sandwich. The miracle of life!

Javier, that is a beautiful sentiment and a wonderful idea! Let us procure some of these sandwiches at one of your supreme markets. I’m convinced that with our positive attitude and desperate need for sustenance that we’re ready to make our DÉBUT amongst humans.

No, we’re NOT ready.

Or are we? Now, we both know you’ve worked in software development, so I’ve decided to use terminology you’ll respond to.

Great, yeah, let’s make this FUN.

Ok, let’s just go through the launch checklist, shall we? Item 1 – teeth: brushed clean and bright.

From the dull pain, I would say it’s more my lips and gums that have been vigorously scraped, but we’ll give it a checkmark.

Item 2 – epidermal layers: loofahed, free of waste excretions and pleasantly coconutty.

I’m going to have to take your word on that, you still haven’t given me back my sense of smell yet.

It’s in the backlog, ok? Prioritization is the key to successful project management. Item 3 – clothes; now I had this marked as a “nice to have” but you said…

Critical.

Critical, yes. Well, we’ve managed to create an acceptable “ensemble” for public display from the limited choices available.

I would NOT call a hoodie over a Charlie Sheen era Cubavera shirt and Under Armour shorts acceptable, and AGAIN – we could just do laundry.

Laundry is a Phase 3 feature, Javier. We all agreed on that.

Show me the mirror again.

This is very embarrassing – everyone will be looking at us.

I’d prefer not to draw undue attention, but this feels like your social anxiety rising up, Bearer. Let me try and turn that down a bit.

Better?

A little, yeah.

Good, item 4: Facial expressions – MASTERED!

What… what’s that supposed to be?

I’m going for a slightly bemused but wry smile engendered by a sudden remembrance concerning a kitten dressed as a character named “Jon Snow” with a caption saying “Winpurr is coming” on something called the “internet”. Am I missing some of the nuance?

I’m grimacing like I just shotgunned an Icee while being punched in the solar plexus. Why is one of my eyes closed?

I was working on taking control of some semi-autonomic functions — blinking, sphincter control, breathing — and got distracted.

This is a disaster.

It’ll be fine. We NEED food, and there’s none to be had in this apartment. What’s left on the list?

Keys. Wallet. Plastic transactional medium.

Uhh, better put on a cap in case you forget how eyebrows work. No, not that one. Not that one, either, I don’t wear those. The blue one with no logos.

What does it matter?

Sometimes if you wear one with a logo people ask you if you like that product or sports team or show, and then you have to have a conversation about it.

So?

You don’t understand humans very well.

Fine, the blue one. Well if there aren’t any more accoutrements to add, I believe it’s time for go-live! To the “foyer”, and transversing the great universe beyond!

… the grocery store.

Beyond!

Oh, it’s bright. Watch it, you’re limping like crazy… stairs. STAIRS!

Well, you’ve got to pitch in, alright? Let’s try again. RIGHT… Now, LEFT…

… No, my left.

We have the same left! My left is YOUR left.

That’s extremely supportive, I appreciate that, Bearer.

You know, Cher, you’d think someone who’d been driving for 600 years

would be a little better at this.

Hey, now… This isn’t “bumping cars” at the CARNIVALE, this is an intricate dance between partners

and let’s just say one of us – uhh – is still in Introduction to Motion.

You.

[You]. Ah, nice. We agree. And look, it’s not easy for me either… I’ve got a bad headache from looking at this world in different shades of the same seven hues. What happened to all the colors?

What do you mean? Like seeing in infra-red or ultra-violet or something?

No, I mean COLORS. Surely you

didn’t think this limited human palette was all there was to the universe – these dull desaturated blehs? Hold on, let me tinker a bit with the old receptors…

WHAT is that?

Hyperbolic orange. And this… stygian blue… and self-luminous red.

THESE ARE THE MOST AMAZING… BAND NAMES I have ever heard, we gotta write these down, let’s go back to the apartment.

No, no, we’re doing fine. And forgive me for trying to expand our horizons just a tad and, you know, perceive things in an accurate color range instead of this fake colorized b.s., but… we’ll muddle, we’ll muddle. Just a little balance issues here and there. Woops. Say, look – somebody’s coming. How about we just ask this person to escort us

in case we accidentally collapse.

Hello! Yes, hello! Greetings, ETCETERA!

Stop! Don’t say another word, and LOOK AWAY! Oh god, I KNOW that guy, he lives up on the 3rd floor. Put my hand to my ear like I’m an asshole on a bluetooth headset and nod.

Seems unnecessary.

Yeah, good, now nod and roll our eyes just a TINY bit like it’s his fault for having the ego to imagine this private conversation we’re having on the cell phone is about him…

Alright, he’s gone.

Your heart rate is increasing at an alarming pace, Javier. The man’s

gone, end of scene.

No, I… just remembered… you said you were being chased by murderbots.

No, I said I was POSSIBLY being chased by murderbots, and you’ve misunderstood the whole situation. Listen, I came to this planet because aliens DON’T come to this planet, and absolutely no one knows I’m here. Plus I came here from light-years away, there’s no way for a group of inexorable murderbots to track me down and make their way here for YEARS, or, at least, let’s say – year “fractions”. Javier, we don’t seem to be ambulating forward any more, it’s almost as if you’re resisting…

We’re going back inside.

Bearer, you’re not being rational — your emotions are controlling you…

The store is open all night, we’ll just…

Javier…

… come back at 3 am when being dressed like a hobo bowler is basically mandatory.

Hold on, let’s talk this through while I just…

Must reach door…

Wait… what happened?

I think I upped the tetrahydropapaveroline a little too much and you… passed out on your welcome mat with the picture of a blue police box and text which reads “it’s bigger on the inside.” — a wonderful piece of practical art I’ve had quite a while to study since you were out for a good seven hours. On the plus side, it’s quite dark outside, so… let’s go

SHOPPING!

And these are good to eat raw?

Sure, you can – wait NO, don’t bite into it! Oh, that is delicious, I am so hungry… NO! We can’t just do that, we have to pay first. Cher, DO NOT eat the pit. Great, now our hand is sticky and we’re going to have to walk around with a stolen plum pit while we shop.

Okay, two plum pits, I mean we might as well, now, and that was so GOOD.

Mmm, mmehmemm. Oh, oh. We needed that. It’s [so good!]

[So good!] Right?

I must say, Bearer, I am very impressed by this aristocratic warehouse of domestic goods — what did you call it, again?

The BARGAIN BARON.

My researches into your brain had originally believed your government to be a democratic republic, but if a new feudal system has arisen, perhaps it would be best if we swear fealty to this Baron of Bargains in exchange for this bounty.

I already have their “DUKE of DEALS” club card.

Good, we should play all sides in case of a sudden coup or junta. Junta, that’s a fun word, I like how your tongue moves saying that.

Yeah, it’s a real trip.

I think we better keep shopping. This place may be pretty empty but, uh, that kind of just makes us stick out more.

Of course! Let’s see, why don’t you get “the basics” and then we can have a little fun experimenting.

Already got ’em, Cher.

What? There are only five items in the unstable wireframe cart?

Yeah, the holy pentalogy. Milk, eggs, wonderbread, Diet Mountain Dew, and pepperoni pizza rolls. I’m really a terrible cook. I got a rejection letter from Blue Apron.

Blue Apron…

I don’t understand the significance of that, but — Javier, this is unacceptable. I’m sure unfertilized poultry embryos are just as delicious as they sound, but this is my first exposure to literally an entirely new world of culinary delights. We must have VARIETY!

You want the Sausage Supreme Pizza Rolls, too?

Alright, alright – I’m gonna do a deep dive into your cerebral cortex and formulate a tabulated list of high priority purchases based on human nutritional requirements.

That’s a grocery list, don’t try to … fancy it up too much, ok? How about I just stroll down the aisles and you pick things out. I’m still recovering from my front door nap.

Well, uh… One of those…

A bottle of corn syrup, sure.

Oh, this is making us even hungrier! A pack of those…

Danimals?

Yes, make sure you get the strawberry and monkey flavor, remember how disgusting the watermelon and polar bear flavor tastes?

I… don’t. I haven’t had a Danimal since I was in elementary school.

Oh, I think it’s right in… here. See, you remember now! Well, we’ll just have to hope they’ve kept the same ratio of strawberry to monkey, then. OH… A lot of those…

Those are suppositories.

Trust me, Bearer, this is not my first trip to a “food market” in a new body. Oh, yes, get that whole rack over there…

Uhhhh, NO. That’s like six hundred dollars worth of spices.

Yes, but SPICES! The very nature of the word conjures endless flavor variations! What variety! We must have them!

I’ll tell you what, I’ll buy you a big bottle of… all-spice. It’s very special, they grind up every spice that grows on Earth and just mix it up in a big batch.

Oh, how efficient! I can’t wait to try it. I must say I am finding the expansive purchasing options on your planet quite confusing — how is one to decide between Big & Buttery Crescent Dinner Rolls and Big & Flaky Crescent Dinner Rolls? This albino homunculus offers no advice whatsoever!

Yeah, he’s a real doughy dick- Speaking of planets, Cher, I feel like I’m doing a lot of explaining about Lunchables and the many different kinds of rolls packaged in tubes; exactly when are you going to give me equal levels of information on, say, the fundamental nature of the universe? Maybe tell me a little about this Transgalactic Confederation you’ve mentioned?

It’s an governmental affiliation of alien species of roughly equal technological capabilities, dedicated to investigating undiscovered worlds, finding additional sentient species and social hierarchies, and without trepidation to proceed further into space than any species has currently done.

So, you’re saying it’s a FEDERATION of species who TREK amongst the STARS?

More of a commonwealth, really. Ok – Honey-nut or regular?

Are you trying to poison us!? Get the Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Finally… hold on, let me smell that… yes, we definitely need one of those.

A miniature potted evergreen? You think my apartment needs some decoration?

Really, Javier — a prisoner in solitary confinement would think your apartment needs more decoration, you can’t just put the randomly assembled contents of a monthly Geek Crate delivery on a shelf and call it a day.

They’re not random, they’re themed. The theme ties it all together. Anyway, that’s besides the point, we’re full up. If we get any more, we won’t be able to carry it home. It’s time we check out… There — that one. Pull down the hat a bit and be cool. Just nod once and put the stuff from the cart onto the belt.

Greetings, hello, ETCETERA! How are you this late night?

Oh no. You’re one of those cashier chatters. And now I’m one of those cashier chatters!

What’s wrong with friendliness? And it’s part of my job to make sure you confront your social anxiety… hold on…

Paper or plastic? I don’t think I can digest plastic, no.

JUST SAY PAPER! And it’s also your job to keep me from feeling mortified with embarrassment, RIGHT? That was part of our deal, RIGHT?

Right, sorry, I was being insensitive. Must be the hunger, Bearer.

Please stop talking to me and allow me to complete my purchase as I have trouble handling meaningless pleasantries. Thank you.

Oh, sweet Pepper Pots – Please God, let the alien take me safely back home. Please God, let the alien take me safely back home. Please…

Sshhh…

Save 10% you say… and this would be credited to today’s purchases? Well I feel like I would be losing money if I said no…