Alan Gallauresi
ACT 3 – OF THE CRANK
INT. BAR WITH WORK FRIENDS
Pair discuss internet fascination. Cher surprised it didn’t take more to convince Javier to go. Short meet friends, chit chat, talk about why they haven’t seen one workmate in a while. Acted weird after he got back from executive training for good ideas program. Cher gradually gets tipsy.
Somewhat sedate bar sounds.
JAVIER
Jack and coke.
CHER
(aside)
Jack and coke, keeper of bars.
(to Javier)
What about the one where a human demonstrates how dance evolves over multiple decades?
JAVIER
Seen it.
CHER
What about the one where the unexpectedly talented human sings operatically to the astonishment of judging humans?
JAVIER
Susan Boyle? Yeah, seen it.
CHER
Ok, but have you seen the one where the teen-aged human attempts to digest a “BettyBomb” clothes laundering ball?
JAVIER
The BettyBomb challenge? Yeah, they got into trouble over the marketing of that. Actually, my company makes those BettyBomb things; it’s this huge multinational conglomerate that makes phones, scooters, driverless cabs, social media networks, start-up delivery services, search engines — it’s nuts all the things they do. It’s basically bigger than Google and Apple combined. Speaking of — that’s a group of Personeum people over there. Ok — remember, be cool, don’t say anything weird. We just say hi, have one drink, and get out.
2.
CHER
Of course! I’m a little surprised we’re here at all, based on your initial reaction.
JAVIER
Well, I’m trying. I’m trying.
CHER
And I’m proud of you for that. You know, this bar’s proprietor “J.P. Mulligan” certainly cultivates an eclectic decorative aesthetic, a lot of implausibly placed aeroplane propellers. Perhaps that would be an ice-breaking topic of conversation… Okay, now who are we looking at here?
JAVIER
Uh… that’s Diane, she works in the medical research division. Pyotr, he’s cool, uncomfortably into Pokemon for an adult, though – really likes talking about Digletts and Lopunnies. Ji-woo, she’s network ops. Regina, HR — she reheats fish in the microwave, so obviously we hate her. Better sit next to Vance — database admin — he’s super quiet until he’s had five drinks and then he spills how much everyone makes. We both work on Jibbrrr together.
CHER
What’s a jibber?
JAVIER
Jibbrrr. Two b’s, no e’s, three r’s. It’s a next generation integration communication management and email replacement system. You know, a chat app. It’s pretty popular. Everyone at Personeum uses it.
CHER
(aside)
Salutations, ETCETERA, to you, Vance. I’m drinking a jacked up cola.
(to Javier)
He’s nodding.
3.
JAVIER
Yeah, I think he’s less comfortable in social situations than even me. Just nod back and sip our drink. SLOWLY.
Loud Peanuts female mumble.
JAVIER
What’s she saying?
CHER
One of your colleagues appears to be complaining about the state of free beverage service in the canteen.
JAVIER
Oh, yeah, I heard they were going to replace the coffee makers with some new vapor thing. Something to do with one of the start-ups.
CHER
Now the group appears to be referencing recent uncharacteristic behavior by an employee admitted to an executive program. I don’t understand what they are referring to.
JAVIER
Who are they talking about?
CHER
I don’t know… could we get another of these, please?
(smacking lips)
Some human, uh, Kosher Pickle Harry or something like that.
JAVIER
Can you please pay attention?
CHER
Mmmm… the carbonation is quite delightful, it really tickles the bloodstream. Okay, I think she said his name is Herbert.
JAVIER
Who’s Herbert?
4.
CHER
Okay, maybe it was Jeff, the one who hugs with unreasonable frequency.
JAVIER
Ohhhh — Huggy Jeff, yeah. He’s on the Alpha Track.
CHER
What… what is the “Alpha Track”?
JAVIER
See, Personeum likes to think it’s an idea company. So if you come up with a crazy concept the company can sell, you get moved into the Alpha Track where you get stock options and bonuses and executive training. Meanwhile, the other 99% of the company actually has to bust their asses to implement all the ridiculous ideas.
CHER
According to the Regina who is hated, Alpha Track appears to have altered his personality into one which is colder and is more frequently absent from typical company activities. Apparently this is a frequent outcome of the program.
(slurping)
JAVIER
Yeah, I guess being in the ruling one percent does that. Hey, slow down on the drink.
CHER
There’s no need to worry, the bar seems well stocked for the number of patrons attending. I will request a refill for us and for Vance, who, despite his lack of speech, I am feeling a closer affinity for.
JAVIER
(amused)
That’s the Jack talking.
5.
CHER
(slightly confused)
I thought it was me talking.
(aside)
Vance, am I talking? Are we talking or drinking here?
(to Javier)
See, my buddy Vance is backing me up. MORE DRINKS FOR MY BEST FRIEND VANCE, KEEPER OF BARS!
JAVIER
(laughing)
You know – I don’t know why, but this is a lot of fun for me. I should be embarrassed, but this is actually fun.
CHER
(sounding a little tipsy)
That’s because… I’m storing up some of the toxins your kidney is slow to process. You get the mood lift while I get the… fuzzy… wuzzy.
JAVIER
Yeah… you’re definitely “fuzzy”.
CHER
Wuz he?
JAVIER
Was who what?
CHER
Fuzzy… wuz he fuzzy? That… guy.
JAVIER
That’s a stuffed moose head.
()
INT. BAR AFTER PARTY
Javier, experiencing all the highs of alcohol and social freedom without the ill effects is in a good mood while Cher is completely tanked and has to be convinced to go home; talk over why Cher’s world doesn’t have Internet; Shots and Cher yells “this is so fucking crank”.
Louder bar sounds.
6.
CHER
(sloshed)
Vance, you’re hilarrrios, man. Nawww… come on, Vance… ok – GO! Go home to your kids and tell them how disa… disappointed I am. Hey. HEY. LOVE YOU.
Deep breaths.
Jav… Javi…
I don’t… how do you keep the genitals inside your restrictive cloth garments when everyone here is so attractive… that person…
JAVIER
Yeah, he’s pretty good looking.
CHER
Those people…
JAVIER
Very attractive ladies.
CHER
That person…
JAVIER
That’s the stuffed moose head.
CHER
But those eyes mean business, ber. Beaarer.
JAVIER
I think maybe it’s time to go home.
CHER
Hey; hey. Hey. Hey. Did… did you see the one where Charlie bites his finger?
JAVIER
(laughing)
Yeah, Cher. I saw that one.
CHER
Why did he put his finger in Charlie’s mou… moutth again? Why did he do that, Javi… Javier.
7.
JAVIER
Yeah, it’s a mystery. Cher, do you really not have something like the Internet on your planet?
CHER
Nooo! The innernet is amaaaazing. My planet is so borrrring! My people, and aliens… races, in the confeder… the space thing. They hide away knowledge and books in little hidey holes, hidey hidey. Afraid uh going to share for evry body… it suckhths sucks.
JAVIER
(chuckling)
Yeah. Yeah, ok let’s head out.
CHER
Noo, do a uh.. a shot with me. Come on.
JAVIER
That’s really just us doing two shots.
CHER
Yeah, um, double double barrels. Gotta keep the chemicals. Going.
JAVIER
Okay, shots, then we bounce.
CHER
Okay here… ere we go.
Gulp and then double slam noise.
JAVIER
Woot!
CHER
This is… so… fucking CRANK!
8.
AD – PERKPODS
HI FOLKS, THIS IS ALAN/ROB FROM PARASITECOLOGY AND OTHER FINE INTERRUPTED TALES PODCASTS SUCH AS INTERRUPTED TALES … WE’RE GOING FOR QUALITY OVER QUANTITY OBVIOUSLY.
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Honey bunny, I want to get you back into the show, but first I want you to do one thing for us: Tell us what other audiodramas you’re listening to; tweet or DM us at @parasitecology on Twitter and give us the deets on your other faves. Are you bingeing Welcome to Nightvale? Maybe loving that EOS 10? Do that thing and let us know. Sugar britches, I want to get you back into the show, but first I want you to do one thing for us: tell people about us on social, why don’t you, that would be nice. Log into your hootsuite, check your clout score, do it for the gram, just kind of nicely gently tell people that this show is the only thing you like and everything else is meaningless. Cool? Cool.
Thanks and back to the show.Thanks and back to the show.
9.
ACT 4 – DRUNK
EXT. NIGHT
The pair stumbles home happily with Javier correcting Cher’s drunken movements when they are attacked by a murderbot which they kill with a fly swatter/newspaper/etc. They reason it has tracked them by scent. Cher is shook and they rush home.
Bar sounds
CHER
(shouting)
OK, BUT PLEASE NOTE: I WANT TO FUCK ALL OF YOU. I DON’T KNOW HOW IT WORKS BUT I’M A QUICK LEARNER.
Door slams and then quiet street sounds.
JAVIER
(laughing)
Ok, they’ll probably appreciate that more tomorrow.
CHER
Ughh… Javi, I’m not sure I feel too great. You better… You better drive.
JAVIER
I think I need your help for that…
Tripping sound.
JAVIER
Actually, in this case I can probably manage better on my own.
CHER
Okay, here are my… car keys… nooo… where did our car keys go?
JAVIER
I got them, don’t worry. But, it’s really too nice of a night to ride in a non-existent car and you spent most of our roulette winnings on renting out a puppy petting room, so I think we’ll skip getting a Lyft.
CHER
I’m not gonna worry, Bearer. Thanks for carrying me… home. You’re…
(burping)
Very strong. I’m just gonna close my eyes for a bit…
10.
JAVIER
NOPE, those are my eyes, too, Cher. They’re pretty important right now.
CHER
Ok, ok, just shhhhhhhh… ok?
JAVIER
(whispering)
Okay.
Pause. There are quiet city sounds (cars, sidewalk traffic).
JAVIER
(quietly, above a whisper)
Cher, what where your previous… bearers like? You don’t talk about them. Or maybe that’s too personal a question? Wait, what am I saying? I don’t have ANY privacy at all, so we’ve jumped way past the pee-with-the-door-open stage of the relationship.
CHER
No, I love talking about them. It’s just not… you know, polite this early on. This is… ss … the pre-bond period. It’s portant that we both… move on and start thinking [in]…
JAVIER
[In sync]
CHER
[In shhhhyncc]. Shynncc. The same time. You want stories? Okay, I was hitching with Xivarrion the Magnanimous…
Droning sound of murderbot.
JAVIER
Wait, you hear that?
CHER
Hear what?
11.
JAVIER
Like a cross between a loud bee and a remote control drone.
CHER
(sobering)
Oh no. Oh no no no no.
JAVIER
Cher, what’s going on?
(hopped up)
And why am I suddenly sweaty and excited?
Sound grows louder.
CHER
I… uh… that’s adrenaline. Plus a bunch of other things. You need it, bad, and so do I if I’m gonna sober up in time. Uhh, we gotta run, uh, now.
JAVIER
Cher?
CHER
Uhhh, because that’s the sound of a murderbot.
JAVIER
CHER?
CHER
RUN.
Sounds of running and heavy breathing.
CHER
The alley!
Running stops and duck into a corner.
JAVIER
It’s not getting farther away.
CHER
Is tracking us… We… we have to hide. The dumpster!
Clambering and swinging noises.
12.
JAVIER
(whispering)
This seems like a bad idea… you said it’s tracking us, and now we’re trapped.
CHER
(whispering)
Yes, but it’s tracking us by smell. I’m hoping this reeking garbage is enough to throw it off. Roll… roll around quiet and hope we touch something par… particularly foul. Oh, no.
(almost wretching)
JAVIER
Shhhhh! Vomit might help with the smell, actually, but I’m a loud puker. Let’s look for anything we can use as a weapon.
Quiet plastic rustling. Droning gets louder.
CHER
Here it comes!
JAVIER
(bewildered)
Where?
CHER
It’s right over there!
JAVIER
Are you joking? I thought that was a gnat!
CHER
Well, it’s enough to kill… although technically the murderbot only actually kills the spirit inside the bearer. Shhh… it’s coming this way.
JAVIER
Too bad.
CHER
Too bad?
13.
JAVIER
Too bad it didn’t reckon on this bearer tearing open a Hefty bag full of Entertainment Weeklies and what I hope is loose chili! Come get it, murderbot! You won’t get my friend!
A clang of metal garbage lid opening. Furious paper swiping.
CHER
Get him!
JAVIER
(various noises)
Hyaah! Take it!
Droning buzzes left and right and then whines as it breaks/powers down.
CHER
(shocked)
Javier, you did it.
JAVIER
Hell yeah I did it! It felt superhuman… like I was swatting with the strength of ten men! I am the… Raphael Nadal of… gross magazine swinging… I don’t know, I haven’t watched a tennis match in 15 years.
CHER
No – it’s a wonderful reference, he’s still winning, actually — everybody else must be terrible… You saved me, bearer! But now we must get home, quickly and without drawing further attention. If there are murderbots here on your world, then we, and perhaps the whole galaxy, is in grave danger… Well, definitely us, I guess galaxy is a leap, but I’m quite sincere when I say – we are
(gastro noises)
VERY important.
JAVIER
Do you need to…
Wretching noises.
14.
CHER
Ah… And now [we rrrr…]
JAVIER
[Run!]
CHER
[Rally!] No, nope, you had it. Forget mine.
15.
OUTRO PART 2