Parasitecology S01E05 Transcript

Come on, Javier – we’ve got to get out of bed.

Mmm. Nooo.

Come ON.

No, I’m tired, and exhausted and –apparently I still have a parasite in my head.

I’ve told you before, please do not use the P-word.

Sorry… sorry, Cher. You know… I thought you were supposed to help me with this.

I am, but it’s not that simple. You body doesn’t just make endless supplies of chemicals, you know, and…

What is that?

Mmm.. it’s just a message from some people at Personeum, my old company. They’re getting together for drinks this Friday and invited me along.

Work friends, wonderful!

I didn’t say friends.

Sorry, and what’s this figure wearing a multicolored hat and then an image of a fountain?

That means… drink to excess.

I understand, you get overly inebriated with ethyl alcohol and then jump in a fountain for fun. I’m not naive, Javier. We will say yes.

Uh — NO we will not. I don’t want to see people from work AT work, much less in a social setting, thanks. Hard pass. Hardest of passes. Host VETO privilege pass.

That is a M-A-Y-B-E maybe. And… send. You’ve got some unread messages, here.

Yeah, they’re from my sister Mia, checking up on me.

Oh – that’s considerate.

It’s not. She thinks now that Dad is dead that it’s her job to be HIM and push me. Tell me what I’m doing wrong with my life. See — “Got your message about quitting — hope you are still on your meds and not planning on asking me for money. Being hard on you because I know you can do better.”

I understand, but… I have seen your memories, you know, and you haven’t always made it easy for her. And of course, she shares genetic material with you and you don’t exactly have the largest… emotional support network.

No family, no friends, no life – got it. Thanks, Cher.

Now. That’s not what I meant. And this — state — goes back to what I said before. I’m not a miracle worker, ok, and while I can boost things here and tone them down there — I need more chemicals to work with. You wouldn’t expect me to bake a cake without sugars and saturated fat and desiccated arthropod powder, would you? No! We’ve got to get your body making more raw materials — dopamine, serotonin, adrenaline, oxytocin, maybe melanin, get you a nice glow going.

Okay, how do we do that?

Simple. I’m new in town, take me on a tour of your hormones and neurotransmitters by engaging in a series of behaviors that will elicit their release.

Okay, I think I see what’s happening here, and I’m NOT comfortable with letting you watch, that’s just weird.

What? NO! Ughh, please, keep all that REPRODUCTIVE-ADJACENT stuff to yourself. No, I’m talking about FUN — organic chemical producing FUN! Chemicals that I’ll have your body store and release in order to keep you functioning in peak condition. In fact, if you can’t produce enough, eventually you will become ill and perhaps even… die.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Because what I heard just there is that I am pretty much in a 1-to-1 Crank situation.

No, Javier.

Well, I don’t really think Crank 2 applies.

Neither applies, Javier. This is not Crank, because, as you know, Crank is not a serious work of applied science.

Okay, Mr. Science — what’s our first experiment, then?

ICE CREAM!

Are we almost there?

Patience. This tour guide’s giving you the scenic route around the city. Coming up on your left, there’s a bus stop that smells like urine and

Pine-sol.

Actually, that’s us. Side-effect of the pinenes, plus you getting full sniff privileges back. It’s 80% of tasting, you know. And I thought the ice cream place was THAT way…

Scenic route, remember? And isn’t it better if we stay out of sight, you know, of the MURDERBOTS?

Always with the murderbots… RELAX. I’ve told you before – there aren’t any murderbots here, and there aren’t likely to be any anytime soon. This is a pre-enlightenment system, which means galactic regulations prevent travelling here in anything but the most rare of circumstances. And, let’s be frank, it’s not like many would be coming anyway… it’s a bib world.

I don’t know what that means.

A bib world… you know. There’s no judgement, it’s just… You know how some planets are immaculately maintained and when you go you dress up nice and if you happen to spill a few crumbs while you’re eating there, a fancy waiter comes by and scoops them up with a tool invented just to scoop up little crumbs? And then, some planets are more… CASUAL… COMFORTABLE… the sort of place you throw on some crocs and a scruffy server offers you… ah…

I need an inexpensive alcoholic concoction designed specifically to encourage copulation…

That’s, like, all of them. Ok, uhmm… Bangaritas.

… And a scruffy server offers you three-for-one Bangaritas and notes that bibs aren’t just optional, they’re encouraged. A BIB WORLD.

You’re saying my planet, home to wonders like the great pyramids and Van Gogh’s Starry Night, birthplace of Shakespeare, Joan of Arc, originator of amazing moments of inspiration like… Hands Across America… to… umm, the original Prisoner miniseries, the wrestling scene from They Live… keyboard cat…

WHAT is a keyboard cat?

IT’S A CAT THAT PLAYS THE KEYBOARD. Mostly Hall and Oates songs. Ok, it’s probably more of an impressive accomplishment under the broader umbrella of “the internet”…

Hmm – mmm. I’m intrigued by this “internet”, we do not have anything similar to the concept.

Oh it’s fantastic. I mean, it’s the worst thing ever invented but it’s FANTASTIC — DON’T — DON’T interrupt! You’re saying that ALL THAT is roughly comparable to an all-you-can-crack-open bring-your-own-hammer crab legs dinner served on large picnic tables covered in stanky butcher paper?

Oh, no! This ENJOYABLE conversation has been interrupted by our sudden arrival at an ICED CREAM establishment. Let’s not stand here in the doorway, all the congealed lactase might melt away, and the chocolate chip cookie dough will be at dangerous bacteria levels!

You’re just lucky this place has the greatest Butter Brickle ice cream known to man. It’s the food of the gods.

It sounds wonderful!

Yes… hello, ETCETERA! Scoop-keeper, I’ll have a large Butter Brickle in a… waffled cone.

With chocolate sprinkles.

With chocolate sprinkles! Oh, my that is large, yes. A couple napkins, a large bench, and now, Bearer — we wait!

Excuse me?

Well, you want to eat it, don’t you?

Is this a trick question? It’s my favorite food in the world.

No trick. Your body doesn’t produce dopamine for a reward, it produces it in ANTICIPATION of a reward. So, here’s the reward. You just have to wait for it.

But… my reward is melting.

Yes, it’s drip-drip-dripping, just like that steady flow of dopamine.

Plus that mom is looking at us strangely. And her newborn.

We don’t care what they think, right? They’re strangers, they don’t define our behavior – we do, and we reward it appropriately.

Well, they define whether they’re going to call the cops on the man who’s purposefully letting ice cream melt all over his forearms.

Alright, alright, let me just check on the old maple-syrup bucket, and… yep, looking full. Good job! I think we’re ready for our reward, now. You know, Javier, I’ve had dozens of hosts but every time is new and exciting, and I think you might be the most exciting yet. I’m excited for the grand tour of human emotional responses, and this is just day one! I’ve got a whole week planned – we’re going to have some wonderful experiences, you and I. And speaking of… how’s that ice cream tasting?

Tastes a little like my hand.

Mmm, yes – it is delicious, isn’t it?

Scoop-keeper, we require moist towelettes. No, moister!

Day 2: Norepinephrine for energy and coping with stress!

Cher, I can’t afford this.

Exactly! Pretty stressful, isn’t it? Especially if we put it all down on one ride of a tiny metal bearing’s brownian motion.

“Put it all on black, attendant of the wheel!”

Cher, that is twenty-five hundred dollars and my entire savings…

And PETER PARKER’S PARTY PANTS, you are the most amazing symbiotically joined life-form I have ever known. Five THOUSAND dollars!

… Actually, Bearer, we’d get more of the “good stuff” if you lost.

Got you covered. Five bucks on black, TEN bucks on red, and then all the imitation crab you want, BABY!

Day 3: Adrenaline for reaction time and stimulation. Now, I feel compelled to reiterate, too much adrenaline could result in a massive cardiac arrest.

I already told you, the Tea Cups are for toddlers.

Toddlers have a very keen sense of self-preservation.

I’m starting to think you’re scared.

Nonsense! It’s just that when you get to be over 600 years old, you learn the wisdom of not leaving your personal safety to the whims of itinerant carnies who refer to crystal amphetamines as “their medicine.”

Cool, ’cause the best view is at the front. We’re up – time to strap in!

Let’s not and tell the ticket taker we did.

You really are scared, aren’t you?

NO — simply cautious, circumspect, unacquainted with this park’s safety record, ETCETERA.

Uhh, there’s still time to reconsider.

Attendant, I believe I have consumed unsustainable amounts of fried oreos, please unhook my restraint!

Oh yeah, vomit is pretty much guaranteed.

Sweet MODOK on a crutch!

Day 4: Endocannabinoids for mental plasticity and mitigation of the FEAR reflex, ah ah ah.

This is not going to work.

Why won’t it work, Javier? Will you be too frightened to make it through this house of hauntening? Mmhh hah hah.

I think it’s more that the exit signs are so bright that I can see the wooden zombies before they pop up. And also the teenager dressed up like an Old Navy shopping axe murderer tripped over one as he grabbed my arm.

Yes, and given that he’s such a bad employee, do you think he obeys the “all employees must wash hands” instructions in the bathroom? And what if those cold sores on his mouth weren’t costume make-up?

That’s disgusting… Are… Are you being serious with me?

No, because the Herpes Simplex Virus is coming from inside your own body, Javier!

WHAT?

And now you’re scared.

LET’S GOOOOO.

Day 5: Oxytocin for empathy and bonding.

Now this was a good idea.

WASN’T IT, little puppy?

Where’d you find a puppy petting room, anyway? I don’t remember looking it up.

It was in that rec center flier we saw when we were looking at couple’s retreats. Can we go now?

Yeah, I suppose. Although I don’t understand how you are somehow allergic to dogs when I’m not. And second, the couple’s retreat thing made NO sense at all.

Well, we still need more oxytocin. So if you could quickly fall in love or cuddle some strangers or be sad over a loss…

Be sad over a loss, why didn’t you say so?

I can’t believe he sacrificed himself for everyone, even after he’d been abandoned for so long…

There will never be a braver toaster, Cher. NEVER.

Day 6: Endorphins for controlling pain. Now according to your decades-long memories of light news articles, there’s an ideal circumstance in which endorphins are produced…

Ok — one, I live in the city and I don’t have a car. Two, I don’t have a kid to be trapped under one. Three, I don’t have the credit or the… infrastructure to make either.

Are we wedded to the idea that is has to be your car, or your… baby… alright, I can see this is a NO GO. You’ll just have to do it, the old fashioned way. Exercise!

Hold on, Cher, it’s possible we’ll stumble upon a kid trapped under a car by accident. Better that than on purpose.

Seems unlikely. Let’s get JOGGING.

Are you planning on bottling the chemical that causes stomach cramps? You know what I ran my last mile in?

Judging from the muscle degeneration and overall, uh, flab factor, maybe 7 or 8 minutes?

The correct answer is that you’ll have to ask my 9th grade gym teacher.

Excuses. Nobody wants to exercise, they want to HAVE exercised. Look forward to that feeling.

Oh, I am. The thought that you’ll be having it too is my main motivator. Here we go…

COUCH — COUCH!

Wow, I don’t understand what’s going on — I should be wiped. I think I’ve finally experienced a runner’s high after 30 years of wondering what the hell people were talking about. It’s like the g-spot of exercising!

I… gave you a little extra juice to reduce pain and… turned down, aghh, production of lactic acid to reduce muscle… fatigue.

Why do YOU sound like you just ran a marathon?

I… am mitigating the effects of… the increased need for oxygen. You… need more and I am… getting less. I’m acting… as a barrier… until your body is more capable.

Really? That’s actually really sweet, Cher. What can I do for you? Get you some juice? Chew on some pine needles?

Just… relax. Lie down. And try… to consume less oxygen.

Now you’re in my wheel house. Time to fire up my phone and fall down an Internet hole until I drift off to sleep.

It’s 10:46 AM.

You’re right, The Price is Right is almost on. Ehhh, but the remote is over there. Back to Plan A.

Although… it’s strange. I’m not really feeling tired. Trying something new like exercising, combined with my depression, normally would send me running back under my bed covers. But this past week has actually been… pretty good. I might just go to that work drinks thing… maybe. Hey — check out this red hot nickel ball vs hydraulic press video. Might as well bring a biplane to a star destroyer battle.

Yes… that is… oddly satisfying, just as claimed. Javier, it isn’t just that you did the activities… it is that you accomplished them. And that… results in Day 6.2: serotonin for happiness and well-being. So, that leaves one question — are you still thinking about… what you were when we first met?

You don’t know?

Well, obviously not. I can’t read your thoughts, only your memories.

No… no. I guess I’m not.

Good! Okay, here you go then.

Oh god, what… something just hit me like a ton of bricks.

Oh, listen… I know. I’ve kind of been holding back a… a lot… for you and I’m going to need just a short break, just while you take a little nap. So let’s just get cozy…

Yeah. Yeah, ok… whooh.

And before you drift off, there’s something we haven’t discussed yet that is crucially, vitally important — which button do I press to meet the fabled CAT of KEYBOARDS?